Powerful. It’s interesting to me that this is a torture many Christians go through that I can’t identify with. Because I tried every path, went down every pagan angle, tried on every answer to see how they didn’t fit. I learned to see God by taking the long way around, and I think it was how He allowed me to sidestep the self-doubt that so cripplingly erodes confidence in Him. I am so very prone to skepticism that He couldn’t let me believe early.
I. KNOW. But I know precisely because I know what it is to be *without* Him. I understand what it is to question Him because He was always there in the front of your mind, but I have trouble wrapping my mind around the peculiar agony of it.
My cake was baked and iced when God signed His name. For most of you He was in the batter; you had His Word in you during your baking. It’s a natural extension of that to question if what you know of Him is really just you, or really just dumped in by the cooks (your parents).
For me it was cleaner: I see in retrospect what parts of the cake are me and which are Him, but I didn’t have the “burden” of that knowledge growing up. I wonder quite often, though, if the desperate searching was worth the escape of that pain. It wasn’t easy as a pagan. It’s not easy coming from that transition.
But my questions found rest in Him, and I don’t envy you at all the pressure and guilt that comes with YOUR questions. All I can do is be a constant, here, telling you that your doubts aren’t valid and that His voice is drowning out the enemy; that you can just stand up and shout praise to Jesus and Satan will flee.
Stand strong. God is with you, He Loves you, and His peace comes not through lack of conflict, but through confidence in Him. I Love you all.